Reflection

Recently, a friend of mine posed a question to most everyone she knows,

"what is it that, deep down in your heart, more than anything else, you want to be, have or do in life? What do you want to be famous for?

and to tell you the truth, I could NOT answer. I think this question is not unlike the "Who are you?" question. You want to say something really profound, or really intelligent, or really witty but all I could muster up was a measly-sounding "I don't know." Since then, this question has been on my mind, not because I am trying to answer but I want to know why couldn't I answer. How utterly frustrating it is to feel you dont know yourself as an individual anymore. To be so out-of-touch with your wants, dreams and desires that all you can say is "I don't know." Now when I was in the working world I was taught if you don't know something it is perfectly acceptable to say you didn't know IF you followed it up with a "But let me find out for you and get back to you." I absolutely know what I used to want and what I used to enjoy, and certainly before October 22, 2008 what I used to materially have but I know it's not the same anymore. There are so many variables that have shaped me as a person over the past 5 years: my stint as a stay-at-home mom, my marriage, the fact that now I am on the OTHER side of 40, the all-encompassing tragic loss of a fire, the death of loved ones, unexpected chronic health problems, my husband's cancer............... I could go on and on, but you get the picture, they affect you as a person and alter what it is that you want in life. I have been so busy living in the fast lane of motherhood I have not taken the time to stop at the rest stop and recharge myself. Listen, don't get me wrong, I have seen some very funny, insightful, inspiring, and proud moments as a mom, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but I can say that I have had tunnel vision probably for the past 10 years. Focused on one thing: my family. Making sure our experiences as a family have been memorable, because after all that is what a mom is supposed to do right? Making sure my child is NOT the child that starts Kindergarten not knowing all the right things, or meal-planning, or budgeting, or......the list goes on. Life comes at you fast and I so wish I could have quickly answered that question but for now "I don't know, I'll find out and get back to you."